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Articulating messy thoughts

Anyone that knows me will tell you when asked the question ‘what is Mike’s passion?’ that the answer will, without a doubt, be looked after children and mental health. These issues are very close to my heart for several reasons, but mainly because I’ve lived with, cared for and worked with these children for many years now. No amount of professional training or qualifications shape my work as much as my own lived and shared experiences within my home. I am grateful for these unique experiences and I have been fortunate enough to experience the remarkable aspects of their being, but also witness these children falling into vulnerable and challenging spaces.

In my opinion, part of the issue in dealing with the challenge of mental health in our children is that we sometimes fail to recognise that the difficulties a child may be experiencing is often situational. Chemical imbalance, ‘lack of resilience’ and ‘emotionally sensitive’ are all phrases I hear used regularly. Of course there are children who may fall into these categories and neurotransmitters certainly play a part but there is a bigger picture here. Life is anything but linear and in my own experiences, situations have played a huge role in my own mental health. Often plunging me into mental illness or pushing my towards over functioning. This is the same for our children.

We all know that a child’s formative years are crucial. We also know that the children who are placed in the care system have experienced much trauma during and after these early years in their development. We know what comes next, but I ask you to just take a minute to contemplate this part of their lives…

That child goes into a new home, with new care givers. Often this may not be long term. They then go into school where the system expects them to function at the same level as other children their age. Then there’s also the lack of therapeutic input much of the time because of funding, provision or their age. We just accept that this is the case without really giving it due consideration. I have often questioned in my training and work why it is that we don’t pause to think on this more. Because here is the reality.

A child’s world and thoughts are formed around those traumatic experiences. If a child has witnessed their mother be abused by a male, then their formation is often ‘men hurt women’. If adults neglect them, quite often the formation is ‘adults can’t be trusted’. Of course there are the exceptions, but we thrust children into this huge trust exercise and expect them to believe us. We expect our caring nature to counter the narrative in their mind. After experiencing this trauma are we seriously just expecting them to get over it? How can you overcome it if you’re not allowed to have it?

Now there are some schools and organisations doing some incredible work and I have seen children make outstanding progress in my own home and in my schools. There is no doubt that we must still have expectations of them and guide them towards a brighter future. But an expectation can only be successful if the child has the ability and opportunity to reach it. So we should give them that chance in every sense. I have been extended much empathy, understanding and time when I am not able to function at full capacity. Often I make mind boggling decisions that make no sense to people who do not know me or know the trauma I experienced. I once attempted to get on a plane with no luggage and hardly any money because running was the only option I thought viable. My other half and my brother, understanding how my mind often works, fortunately managed to persuade me that this wasn’t the brightest idea in the world. We seem to be getting better at accepting in our adult lives it’s not always a good idea to act upon our self talk and thoughts and we rely on other people to provide external rationality in those scenarios. But if I’m being honest, we don’t always extend the same consideration to our children. Not because we don’t want to but because the systems don’t always allow it. And we must question this, especially when it comes to looked after children. Some of the best work I see in schools is when adults take the time to join up thinking and piece together how the child’s body functioning, what their self talk may be and how their traumatic experiences have influenced this.

In my workshop I will be talking about the science and the practical things we can do in this situation. But I would start with asking adults contemplate the above conversation.

I will leave you with the story of Tiffany.

I know that they rolled their eyes and slumped in their chair every morning when I facilitated discussions or exercised based on emotional literacy. I know that they thought I had lost the plot when I dressed up as a wizard and asked them to magic up (create) their own words for emotions. That happened to be one of my favourite mornings. However, I also wasn’t sure if I had managed to reach Tiffany.

Tiffany was one of the most vulnerable children in the school. I’ve lived, looked after and worked with children in the care system all my life and her story was one of the worst I’d come across. You name it, she’d experienced it. Thankfully she had just moved into a brilliant placement with two carers that were superb with her. She trusted no one, especially males. But for some reason she didn’t call me a colourful name like the other male teachers. I thought this was because I was in charge but it turns out it was because she actually enjoyed my lessons, assemblies and sessions. She of course never said this to me, this came via one of my staff so her street cred remained in tact.

Tiffany was desperately trying to cling onto her story and, let’s face it, why wouldn’t she. She had every right to. But something else was going on with Tiffany. She had discovered some security, care and happiness. I saw her face light up when she saw her carer pick her up from school, she spoke of them with so much joy. But she just couldn’t put any faith in it. Of course I would be one of the first to tell you the reasons why this is the case with many children, but I’ll leave that to another time.

And then this happened…

That day I gave a talk to year 10 and 11 on vulnerability. I told them that vulnerability is often a beautiful thing and allows us to connect to others in so many ways. But I also went on to say that society made us feel sometimes as though showing vulnerability made others feel uncomfortable. I remember finishing with ‘be careful who you show your vulnerabilities to, but don’t hide them for all to see and don’t let them prevent your future happiness. Because one day, they will lead you to connect with someone or something spectacular.’

I wasn’t speaking to Tiffany directly at all, but I hoped she heard my words. Sadly the next day she really struggled to self regulate and needed a lot of support to get through the day.

Then came my last day at the school and Tiffany came into my office earlier with one of her friends.

She knocked on the door and asked me if I had 5 minutes. I sat down with them both and Tiffany showed me her phone.

“Have you been told to hand it in to me?” I asked, whilst looking at my deputy to see if she knew anything about it.

“No sir, look at the words” she replied with a smile.

I looked down at the phone and she had screenshotted a quote from Bene Brown.

‘Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing out vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.’

I looked up and before I could say anything Tiffany said; “Sir, you said the other day that vulnerability can be a beautiful thing, but that society and we often find it uncomfortable. Well I saw this and thought you might like it.”

“Tiffany, I’m so proud of you for reflecting on what I was talking about. It’s hard to talk and think about our vulnerabilities isn’t it?”

“To be honest Mr A, I feel broken most days. But now I’m learning to embrace that vulnerability slowly”. I’ll admit, I welled up and so did her friend.

After we reflected and she left, I sat there for 5 minutes, just taking the moment in. It was genuinely one of the most heart warming and inspiring moments I have experienced in my career.

Allowing children to feel and articulate vulnerability helps us connect with them. It is this vital connection that has often been missing, which helps them recover, believe and hope.

I very much look forward to seeing you at the conference.

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